Am I Lovely?

Am I Lovely?

Her face is aglow. Laughter, sweet and pure, echoes through the room. Her eyes shine with excitement. She is an image of joy. She stands on her toes and turns on the spot with elegance, entranced by the way the skirt of her dress shimmers and flows with each movement. For she is adorned in garments fit for a princess. Her soft pink dress, each stitch sewn with love by her Grandmother, was a birthday gift. The very gift that she had wished for. Her family have gathered and turn to watch as she dances and twirls across the room. She begins to sing in a voice that seems to capture the untainted innocence of childhood. She longs for them to turn and look, to watch as she displays her beautiful gown, to listen as she sings, to tell her that she is beautiful. Her dress is a little too big, the straps continually slip from her tiny shoulders and she treads on the hem as she unashamedly displays her desire to delight. Mummy’s beaded necklaces hang from her neck, and bright pink lipstick stains the skin around her mouth where lips were presumed to be. She is a ray of sunshine, beautiful to behold, unrestrained in her longing to please, and her eyes clearly ask the question, “Am I lovely?”

She stands in the living room, as she is too nervous to sit. He will be here soon. He is five minutes late. Maybe he has changed his mind. Maybe he has decided not to come, or has something better to do, or someone better to see. She tries to drown out these thoughts by convincing her legs to shakily carry her to the bathroom where she brushes her hair for the thirteenth time in the last five minutes. She stands in front of the full length mirror and takes a deep breath before risking a glance at her image. She feels silly wearing such a beautiful dress. Princesses wear radiant gowns, not girls like her. She feels unsteady in her high heels and wonders how long it will be before she loses her balance. She is delicate and feminine, yet doubt plagues her thoughts and clouds her perception. The door bell rings and her heart beats so fast that it almost hurts. For a moment she struggles to draw breath, however forces herself to answer the door. He’s here. She can feel her cheeks burning as she opens the door and stands in the framework. She searches his eyes for the look that will give her the answer to the question that her heart longs to hear. The question that she has asked since she was a child. The question that niggles at her conscience and desperately needs to be answered; “Am I lovely?”

Yes, I do realise that it is swot vac and that I should be studying.. but I unexpectedly found myself with a fair bit of time on my hands tonight, so I thought I may as well write down my thoughts. When I came home from work today, I made a spur of the moment decision to drive up Mount Stuart by myself to watch the sunset… which, by the way, was just stunning! It doesn’t matter how many times I see a sunset, it always takes my breath away and simultaneously makes me feel like jumping up and down with happiness. Beholding the beauty of a sunset, that is unique with each day, speaks volumes of a love so powerful. As I was driving down the mountain on my way back home, I heard a horribly loud noise that was clearly coming from the car. So I pulled over and hopped out of the car, only to discover that one of my tyres was flat. Great. Spontaneity isn’t always a good thing.. especially if you have no idea how to change a tyre, or even where the spare tyre is likely to be kept. But hurrah for RACQ.. after about 45 minutes a strapping young lad came around the mountain and changed my tyre… leaving me to drive home where I would face the laughter of my family. So that was interesting.. and it explains why I had time to ponder a few random things.

The question “Am I lovely?” is intrinsically tied to the nature of the feminine heart. As little girls we pursue an answer with unashamed joy. As women we feel guilty for longing to have this question answered. We yearn to be thought of as captivating. We desire to possess a beauty that is worth pursing, worth fighting for, a beauty that is core to who we truly are. I’m not just talking about a desire for outward beauty, but something much deeper. A desire to be captivating in the depths of who we are. This desire transcends age and, I believe, is inherently feminine. It is wrought with complexity and clouded in mystery, yet it’s existence is undeniable. We long to be delighted in, to be called lovely. We long for a beauty to unveil. A beauty that can be seen, a beauty that can be felt, a beauty that affects others, a beauty that is unique and ours to unveil. This is intertwined in the design of the heart of a woman, and therefore this longing should not conjure feelings of guilt. Although the heart breaking reality is that it so often does. We feel too intense, like we are ‘too much’ for those around us, that we should dull down what we are feeling and suppress the desires of our heart. We look to a multitude of things to answer our question, to tell us that we are lovely. We invest our hearts in things that won’t last, and suffer hurt time and time again. We yearn to be told that we are enough, just as we are. We grossly misunderstand where we derive our beauty from. It’s not from the clothes that we wear, or the shape of our bodies, or the makeup on our faces.. We are beautiful because we bear the image of God. This beauty is an essence given to each woman at her creation, and encapsulates the immeasurable dignity and delicacy of the feminine heart. “The King is enthralled by your beauty” (Psalm 45:11). I think that the tenderness and radiance of the heart of a woman says a lot about the heart of God. He has a heart for relationship, a compassion for His children that is insurmountable… and just as we long for a beauty to reveal, He longs to reveal Himself to His children. So.. are we lovely? The answer is a resounding yes! Not because we are physically attractive, appealing to men, witty, humorous, intelligent, or anything else. We are lovely because we are created in the image of a God who delights in us, and calls us to draw near to Him. This is where we need to find our self-esteem and our security.. because this love is eternal.