I have a cold.

As the title so implicitly suggests, I have a cold.

Having a cold really is the pits. Yes, that phrase is from "Happy Days". I love "Happy Days". However, please do not be deceived. This will not be a happy post.

As someone who has had some form of ailment for most of this semester, I feel that I can speak with some authority on this topic. So, here is my "been there, done that, bought the t-shirt" list of things that I hate about colds:

1. Everyone has had a cold at some stage, therefore sympathy is hard to come by. A cold is not serious enough to legitimately complain about, however it is bad enough to make you feel doughy, miserable and useless.

2. It is difficult to sleep when you have a cold. When your nose is blocked, breathing through your mouth is your only option for survival. However, if you unknowingly attempt to breath through your nose you as begin to nod off to sleep, the ramifications can be quite severe. The lack of air to your lungs will serve as an abrupt reminder that breathing through your nose is not ideal in your current state. Training your body to breath through your mouth, and thus survive the night, may prove to be an arduous task.

3. Blowing your nose in public is an uncomfortable experience for all involved. People make strange noises when they blow their nose. Noises that otherwise would be deemed inappropriate in public settings. Whether you're a squeaker or a honker, you sound ridiculous. However, there is nothing worse than someone who noticeably has a cold yet refuses to blow their nose. This leads us to point number four.

4. Sniffing raucously in public. This can be quite nauseating, however admittedly unavoidable at times. The ridiculous noise that you make when you blow your nose really is preferable to the obscene sound of you intermittently snorting and blorting. For goodness sake, think of the poor unfortunate people who share your unpleasant company and find a tissue. If there are no tissues available, this leads us to point number five.

5. If, for whatever reason, you do not have access to tissues, walking around with a roll of toilet paper is nothing short of humiliating. Everyone likes to laugh at the girl with a roll of toilet paper by her side because she didn't have time to buy tissues and is acutely aware of how annoying point number four is.

6. Perhaps the most alarming point of all, is that no-one wants to hug you when you have a cold. As someone who relies on physical touch to feel like I am alive, this is certainly troubling.

7. Your voice changes when you have a cold. At the moment I sound like a nightmarish mixture of Barry White and The Nanny. If you are a guy, the deep and husky voice that a cold provokes may even be preferable to your normal voice. However if you are a girl... well... I could teach you a few basic words in Auslan?

8. When you have a cold, your once sharp, astute and capable brain that enabled you to possess a lucid understanding of life is but a distant memory. Instead, your brain has been replaced with dough, which is not conducive to, well, anything. You will find yourself saying "I don't know" at the end of most sentences, however due to point number two, it will sound more like "I dond ndow". When friends or relatives ask you a question, they should anticipate a substantial pause before you're able to elicit a response. And, even then, you will probably only utter the words "I dond ndow" in a deep, husky and barely discernable voice.

9. The cruel combination of all of these points makes you feel gross and unloved.

So, to my healthy readers, be kind to those of us who are of poor health. Do not ask us purposefully difficult questions, so that you may watch in awe as our brains threaten to explode under the pressure. Do not step away when we beckon for a hug. Instead, embrace us. Love us. We are people too.

P.S. This is my 50th post! Hurrah!